look, i don't know how it happened, but I am in a totally nostalgic mood right now, but in a nostalgic feeling for something I readily acknowledge never existed. I'm nostalgic for acquantances I wish i knew better, not friends I already know and understand. There are always certain people who you are just like "man they are the most fucking cool person and I really wish I could have more in common with them or just hang out more and shit like that" but it never worked out, and that was probably the best for them, because it meant you will forever remember them in your moments of nostalgia as someone who was just incredibly fucking cool, instead of as the guy who was a total asshole. I used to think these were the best kind of relationships you could have, because in the end everyone ends up with a happy regret, instead of a bitter feeling.
Unfortunately, I know for certain that this feeling is even worse, and the true bitterness lies in that regret of failing to communicate and interact with people on a personal level, a fear of rejection that only truly comes when you secretly feel worthy of rejection. This feeling can pervade your soul, and no matter how much you try to avoid the problem it only comes back stronger, festering like an infectious canker. In the filth and detrious of human interaction, it can only become more poisioned and throbbing with the passage of time, and the solution does not simply come with the acknowledgement of one's self and its problems (self-realization). The solution comes when you understand how to resolve the problem, which is a further step that I don't have the answer for.
I would throw in some pop culture references here to some movies and music, but I'm afraid it would cheapen the whole experience, and if searching for old names in google ever does this to me again, I'll have to stop.
